Longing for Home

 "This land is cursed, removed from the life granted to the rest of the world. The tall grass here is parasitic. Feeding on the corpse of the land hiding its filth and death. The songs of birds aren't sounds of elation but calls of warning before utter silence. It is warmer here, but the land radiates a chill that seeps into my spirit more with each passing day. My Lady's touch is absent, and foreign winds deny her presence. Never have I felt so alone.

When I look toward Lady Morwen, as I often do, it sparks memories of a familiar place. A place of spiritual warmth and an overall unity with all of the world. But these feelings of nostalgia are fleeting.

As I study her solemn grace anger intrudes, displacing feelings of inner calm. Why is one so pure and delicate having to deal with such misfortune in a terrible place such as this? Yes she is becoming hardened by her trials and become quite capable, but must steel be forged in fire? I can see the woman she was, compassionate, understanding, and caring. A soul filled with warmth and goodness that once, long ago, had no need for a will of steel. The fact that her gentle spirit was forged by unnecessary tribulation feels like a violation.....and so the anger grows.

Now anger turns into wonder. Why does she hold me in such high regard? I see her look at me often as well. A look I'm not accustomed to. Has her respect for me diminished now that she has seen me at my worst? Does she pity me in this vulnerable state? Or is that a softness in her eye that is actually something even deeper? I know how to heal another man's injuries but the wounds I carry aren't easily bound. I also know steel and iron. Sweat and blood. Fear and vigilance. A woman's love I do not know. 

Aleena, that was my mother's name. I have to remind myself sometimes. I know my father loved her and she him. Gone before I formed permanent memories of her so I have no memories of a woman's love. Is this what lies in Morwen's gaze? I am traveling in a strange forest with no paths....and I miss my guide.

Ehlonna....that's the constant love I knew. A familiar warmth now distant. Have I strayed into forests too remote? The distance too great in miles? Or is it a spiritual distance that cares little for the leagues of the physical world? Too disconnected? Does she feel shame when she looks at me and some of my deeds? What does she feel when she looks at one of her most faithful? Can she still feel my love? I cannot feel hers. Her favor and trust were my safe harbor in many a tempest. And it was enough.

I need to see my groves. Feel the rays of sun through the leaves of the canopy. Hear the snort of deer as a predator looms. See the grass bend to the will of the wind. All of this and more is the Gnarley and I need it all. My Lady is there and faith tells me her love is there also, waiting for my return."